I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.