Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
the #horror is real!
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*