[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror: