That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Bruh PLEASE
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
also my go-to takeaway order
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!