Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.