A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]