I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins