My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
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I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
set yourself free xox
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50