Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I unironically love this joke.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever