I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.