There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.