Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
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How wrong was this guy?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My whole life was a lie.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately