The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
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I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect