I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called