Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist