*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”