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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
🙂🙃🥹
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.