STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis