Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.