You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I feel this so hard
cause of death:
autopsy.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”