Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
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“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
a badder mouse
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Wait a minute…
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.