Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings