Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH