who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Ah yes. The three genders
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically