“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
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Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Ron is short for Aaronald
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.