sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
first you must answer his riddles
this is what they would have looked like, though
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.