I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Chemical wingman
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son