Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
he chose this
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.