seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE