Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
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Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.