(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
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me: hi i鈥檇 like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma鈥檃m you鈥檙e calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they鈥檒l likely be hurt if you don鈥檛 actually show up after while.
I鈥檓 not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I wouldn鈥檛 ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Well, that should do it
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you鈥檙e not a donut?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.