Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
the three genders
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.