Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here