I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
British websites use biscuits.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”