Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Mission: Impossible
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl