I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
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I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
They did not think through this water fountain
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish