I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
New Tinder profile.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.