Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
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Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Oh deer
I think my mom just blocked me
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.