#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
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[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
#Caturday
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.