I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.