Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
(Musicians.)
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions