[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?