Give a baker flours on your first date.
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants