I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.