me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The news
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.