Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day