Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
i love modern commerce
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.