Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
#Caturday
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.