ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
You Might Also Like
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
This guy gets it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB