“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.